At some point you stop and look back at all the shit you went through and the pure volume of past drama is staggering. To think, I did all that, and not in a shy way…
When you’re in the thick of it, it’s easy to think that you’ll never make it. Yet time and again we all somehow find our way. After time clots our wounds and the scar fades, we finally get a chance to make sense of it all — if it’s even possible.
What can we learn from Rob Gordon? Well, for one, we aren’t anywhere near perfect either. We are assholes. We play for our team only, we are selfish, we are liars, we cheat, and sometimes we cut corners. We do it without really thinking. Well, maybe you’re a lot nicer than I am, but you have some Rob Gordon in you — might as well accept it.
So what happens to all of this crust? It is a part of our relationships. It’s the dirt on the windshield, the birdshit on a clean car, the piece of furniture that doesn’t match. And it’s not going anywhere.
But sooner or later we at least realize it’s there. We sit up and say, “Holy shit, I was an asshole!” And like Rob did we look back and think of all the things we could have done differently. Was it our fault? Did I fuck things up? Was she the one but I failed to realize it?
And after hours of recounts and retallying, there is a bucket full of maybes and a handful of what-ifs. They can’t save you from yourself. They can’t change the past. But it’s fun to dream about, and you can at least do some things to save the present and future.
We are left with this delicate balance between the crust of ourselves and the sunny side. I think that once you can at least partially understand yourself — identify your strengths and maintain some level of damage control when it comes to your weaknesses, you are ready to find a person who understands them just as well as you.
For some, it takes a lifetime. But if we are lucky we see things clearer while there is still time to set things straight. Then, when the times comes, we can be ready to give ourselves up and be vulnerable when we should. Of course, until then, things will be a fucking mess. But hey, it’s a damn beautiful mess.
I miss her smell. And the way she tastes. It’s a mystery of human chemistry and I dont understand it. Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just feel like home.