Toilet Seat Terror


We live in a society full of fear. We over-regulate nuclear power, have airbags on everything but our pee-holes, have to wear helmets to sleep safely and can’t play with anything that has a corner. George Carlin was right — we are definitely a paranoid bunch not willing to take a chance.

picture of a stupid toilet seat cover purse

And so George would agree that our fear of germs is pretty ridiculous as well. We can get food poisoning, chicken flu, bacterial infections, colds, viruses, STDs. We can even get AIDs from kissing! Holy shit, doctor — you’re a fricking moron!

So it’s no surprise that one day I went to the bathroom and as the person in the stall next to me sat down, I heard tissue paper crinkling. It was enough to make Seinfeld have a seisure. What’s with that???

Apparently we can’t even shit in peace. While we are defecating, germs are trying to kill us through the back door! Will we ever be safe?!?!

Not if you live scared. See, I can go to the bathroom, sit down, do my business and not have to use a piece of paper to shield my ass from the grim reapers living on the toilet seat. It saves me the time and humiliation of putting a thin piece of wax paper under my ass. Also, it gives my immune system some practice!

People forget that your skin is your first line of defense. Bacteria isn’t going to seep into your pores and take over your body. You have to somehow eat or suck in this stuff. Now, maybe some of you shit and snack at the same time, but that’s not my style — and I don’t recommend adopting that habit.

Overall, I think toilet seat covers are symbolic of many things we do in this country to make us feel safe — to give us the illusion of safety. It’s a band-aid fix for what pretty much amounts to general sloppiness and poor personal hygeine. In some cases, I guess it makes up for lack of dexterity — but come on, it’s not that hard to aim, is it?

Instead of drinking toilet water, rubbing your genitals on public surfaces and licking toilets, why don’t you just be careful, stay in good health and not worry so much about stuff?

Worrying about germs messes up your immune system, which lets germs kill you. Twice. In your sleep.

13 thoughts on “Toilet Seat Terror

  1. I’m now more worried than ever. Thanks a lot!

    The thing about public restrooms is that not everyone aim to keep it clean (pun clearly intended). I sure don’t.

    I want to be killed by my own germs, from my dirty ass kitchen or bathroom, not from someone else.

  2. Rachael

    Couldn’t agree more. Toilet seat covers are a ruse. Bacteria and viruses are so small they can make there way right on through that tissue paper “barrier”. Thank goodness for skin!

  3. sometimes when i do my business, it splashes up. more often than not, it gets on the toilet seat as well. i wouldn’t want to be sitting on someone else’s fecal matter…

    if anything we should just have squatters like they do in asia.

  4. you sick fuck. do you have any idea what stewing cauldron of herpes urine and clap-riddled fecal matter resides on the valley library toilet seats? you can bet i won’t be touching your bare ass any time soon. for real

  5. haha, toilet seat covers are such a joke. they made great extra toilet paper when we ran out (like every day) in the dorms though 😛

  6. Carrie

    Wow, glad I’m not paranoid enough to use toilet seat covers. BUT at least I wash my hands…which is part of what those toilet-seat-cover-people forgo to make up for the time they spent trying not to pee their pants while they spread out that stupid paper ring. Though, if I had one like the one I saw in Italy, I’d dig it. When you flushed, the paper went around the toilet seat and covered it with a new piece….yup cewl shit in this world.

  7. Brian

    The reason why they use toilet seat covers is because if they didnt have any the people who are afraid to sit on them would put strips of toilet paper around the seat instead and toilet paper is messy and alot of it can cause plumbing problems

  8. Roger

    How did you get so high on the Google search engine? I typed in “toilet paper shield” (since my semi-retarded cat thinks its fun to eat toilet paper and tissue all day) and I want to find some sort of cover for the TP.

    The first hit, and probably the funniest, was how to make a “Shield of Faith paper mache craft”. Apparently good Christians make their kids these silly shields and it requires a toilet paper roll.

    Then, to my surprise, this page shows up as the eighth hit. Do you have some super-power-bonus-cubed attribute attached to your site because of Mozilla or do you just have a really random blog that scores well with search words like “toilet”?

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